I’m going through something that is difficult to comprehend. If I’m younger then people might just call it puberty. I’m a late bloomer so it’s possible. I’m 26, so maybe let’s just call it adulting or let’s use the millennial’s term, midlife crisis.
I’m in the age where most people already knew what they wanted in their lives or who they wanted to be part of it but sadly, I’m one out of those human beings who opted to just exist and let time or whatever factor take away the happiness that was meant for me. I wish I’m good in Mathematics so I could just use algorithms or maybe an algebraic expression to solve my own issues. Sadly, I’m that one person who has always been an average. I was never a good daughter, lovely sister, exemplary student, exceptional employee, great friend and perfect partner. I never really fitted in. There were times when I just wanted to kill myself or get drowned in passiveness. I wonder why did I even allow, or continuously allowing, myself to reach this age.
Maybe it’s because of the people who encouraged me to be a better version of myself. Finally, someone came who believed in me but it was too late for me to realize that it was all a bluff. That you were fake. That everything I thought we had was superficial.
You left me. I asked you to stay but still you walked away. I felt betrayed. I tried to follow you but I was scared. I’m scared that if I ever did follow you, I would just continue being my pathetic self and I would never be capable of moving on.
I wish I could do something about my feelings. I wish I could let you go. I wish I could stop being selfish. I wish I could stop screwing up my life just for you. I wish you could see beyond my smile, the ridiculous laughter or the feigned "superiority".
But wishes don't always come true
...and I will never have you.
